Lesson three: The profile from hell!

Okay, folks, I was innocently browsing through a few TMNT sites, on the prowl for new players, when my eyes started to burn, steam came out of my ears and I collapsed into a twitching mass of disgust and horror at the sight that greeted me.

Cthulhu?

No.
Unfortunately not, there was something much worse. One of the most godawful, overdone and outright stupid "character profiles" that were ever shat out by a delusional, so-called "writer" into the cesspool that is the internet.

Get the brain bleach handy, say a prayer, make your last will and testament and follow me, if you dare, into the abysses of the intellectual black hole that is:

Mary Weaboo Sue Tezlov
Quotes are in cyan once more.



/Name:/
Miranda Yumiko Tezlov

A japanese middle name? I am suspicious. I am *very* suspicious!
It is a real pest today that many chars have a connection to Japan somehow forced on them, because Japan is OMG!!Soookawaiidesu!!
Newsflash: It is just a *country* folks, get over it! Your char does not *need* to be half-japanese, full Japanese, grown up in Japan, adopted by Japanese, being abandoned and raised by Grandmaster Miyagi to conveniently learn every fucking martial art under the sun to be somewhat interesting! You just make her ( because in 99.999% your crappy char *is* a she) one of a gazillion other, badly thought out and badly written generic MarySues.


/Alias:/
Greysight; Randi

/Age:/
Late teens (typically a year or two younger than the TMNT)

/Date of Birth:/
October 26, 199

/Sex:/
Female

/Species:/
Mutant Turtle (lab created)

At this point I started to shed cold sweat.


/Alignment:/
Neutral
Umm did I miss the memo that we're playing AD&D here?

/Eyes:/
Complete Heterochromia (left eye deep red; right eye pale blue
Sure. She needs to be "speshul"! Even more "speshul" than your generic run-off-the-mill lab-bred scientifically enhanced psionic supersoldier trained and dark-past-having hunted by government and the local dog catcher Mary Sue mutated turtle. *siiiigh*

/Hair:/
none
D'oh!

/Height:/
4’10” to 5’

/Build:/
Lithe

Ummm... I call bullshit here.
Why? Easy: The turtle girl does have a shell, I assume. This shell consists of very dense and thereby *heavy* bones and chitin. She is carrying a backpack with at least 50, more likely 60 pounds around permanently, so to speak.
Now, what do you think would happen if somebody would force a "lithe" person to carry around an army pack all day and all night? Forever!
Under the shower, to school, during training, during sitting on the loo, during whatever you do!
Assuming that you aren't starving, your muscles would gradually adapt to the new weight.
Muscle adaptation means, that the muscle *grows*.
Do the math.


/Personality:/
She can be a great leader, but she often feels most comfortable alone. Highly intelligent, she has a unique view on life which makes her appear impulsive and unpredictable to those who do not know her. She is driven by duty both to herself and to her allies; this often makes her tunnel minded and dangerous. She is quick to anger and not afraid to kill or mutilate an enemy; however, she will leave her enemies alive just as long as it serves her purposes. She is not without compassion: She refuses to intentionally harm an innocent and will go out of her way to defend those who cannot do so themselves. Her training has made her a firm believer in the saying ‘never leave a man behind’ even at the risk of her own life.

/Occupation:/
Ex-Soldier; Fugitive; Would-be Revolutionist

/Special Skills:/
Military Science, Espionage, basic mathematics, History of War, Hand to Hand – Kung-Fu, Wrestling, Climbing, Acrobatics, Prowl (stealth), Swimming, Pick locks, Pick pockets, Palming, Basic Computer operation, Driving: Automobile, Motorcycle, Airplane, Surfing, Languages: Spoken Mandarin and Russian, fully literate in English, Spanish, and Japanese

LOLWUT??
She is younger than the turtles, who are generally portrayed in most rpgs or fanfics as being young adolescents, from maybe 17 to 23 years. Mary "Look at me I'm Japanese, kawaii desu!" Sue is *younger* than that. How can she possibly have mastered all these things? I mean... come on, a day has 24 hours. 8 hours you need to sleep, then eating, personal hygiene... and she is in the worst case scenario 16 fucking years old!! Who allows a 16 year old girl to fly a motherfucking PLANE?
I do not and will not denie that there are individuals ale to master all those skills mentioned, although I have no idea what "military science" might be... and about the "palming" thing, I won't even *go* there... but those individuals are one in a million.
Gifted.
And, before I forget the most relevant point, at the time they will have managed all this, they will be well in their FORTIES! And I am not talking about having *mastered* everything on the list, just an everyday approach.
See, to maintain a decent level in *any* skill, you need to practice.
Practice makes perfect.
There is no way in hell that anybody can keep practicing ( not learning, which would take more time, just practicing) those skills regularly to keep ones level.
Therefore, bullshit.
But unfortunately, loads of other bullshit are still to come...



/Powers:/
“Master Psychic” Possesses a multitude of Psionic Abilities including Telepathy, Telekinesis, Astral Projection, Mental and Bio-Manipulation, and various extra sensory perception abilities.
Nothing of these things have ever been proven. I call not only bullshit, but heavy drug abuse.
Not sure yet, if it is the author or the Sue.


/Weapon of Choice:/
Paired Kukri, Military Grade Beretta 92 Automatic Hand Guns

Why somebody who supposedly has "learned" a *chinese* martial art uses *nepalese* weapons boggles my mind, but never mind that. If that would be the only thing that slowly boils my brain about this craptacular profile, I'd be seriously happy.


/Backstory:/
Although she was born in Japan, Miranda and her family moved to Staten Island, New York soon after. The family lived here for nearly five years until disaster struck. The Police entered the small apartment and a horrendous murder scene. The father lay dead amongst broken furniture in the living room and the mother lay in the master bedroom, there was no sign of the two children. It took them hours of investigation until they finally found the five-year-old girl hiding under the bed. She was in deep shock, unable to do little more than stare into space.

Fearing for her mental state, she was placed under hospitalization for several weeks until one day she simply awoke. The detectives tried to talk to her, in hopes the little girl could shed some light onto what had happened; however, her answer left them with nothing but more questions, ‘The pajama men took Oniisan’.

So... what I tried to put together until now is: she's the crotch dropping of somebody japanese with somebody russian. She was born in Japan and more or less immediately her parents moved to NYC.
Now I certainly haven't been born in Japan, but I seriously doubt that the mere fact that somebody was *born* there makes this person an expert on mad ninja skillz, the language and martial arts in general.
She lived with her parents until the ripe old age of *five* years. It might be safe to assume that either her mother or her father spoke Japanese with her. Then, since every Sue needs a "tragic past(TM)" her parents and her older brother seemingly get killed/abducted/whatevered by "pajama men".
Using my vast knowledge from TMNT movie I, where the Foot Clan members are referred to as "pajama guys" as a running gag, I know what to expect.
Moar ninja and mot likely a vendetta against the Shredder. Same old, same old...


She was then sent to live with her aunt and uncle in Mobile, Alabama Bel Air. For two years she lived with the abuse of her alcoholic uncle, who found her mixed back ground an affront to pure Russian heritage. One day after drinking a little too much, the man went to strike at her again, but the seven-year-old girl screamed at him to die. At that moment, he fell down with a stroke. Horrified, the girl’s aunt immediately blamed her for the incident, calling her a devil among other things. She quietly slipped out the back during the confusion with the EMTs and found a nice looking man in a suit waiting for her.

And of course, the "abusive childhood(TM)" feature. Come on, which Mary Sue would be complete without it! Her uncle is a racist childbeater and she kills him with her uber-sueish mental powers JUST BY SAYING SO!!1!!1!!ONEELEVEN!!!
The only slightly interesting thing for me in this clusterfuck of clichés is, that there is no way that her nip-hating uncle or his wife would have talked japanese with her. So "fully literate in japanese" obviously means to this delusional Suethor "as leet as a five year old brat".
Thank you for clarifying that.
Oh, by the way, she is seven years old now. That would mean whopping 9 (in words, *nine!!!!*) years until she is 16, 15 (in words *fifteen!!!!*) years until she is 22.
Please recall the list of her skills that she mastered in this time.
And weep yourself quietly to sleep.


The man told her she was special and that she deserved a better life than one her Aunt and Uncle could give. He was from a secret place where people like her were greatly appreciated, only there was a catch: She’d have to change completely. Not fully understanding what the man meant, the child was eager for an escape and agreed completely. She left with the man – who later proved to be a Mutant Baboon – and traveled to a secret group of islands in the South Pacific called The Benning Islands.
So even *baboons* think she's "speshul"... how can we dare to doubt?


Here, the girl was put through a series of lab controlled mutations, destroying key points in her DNA and replacing them with that of a compatible creature. In this case, it was a turtle. The process was meant to activate dormant powers within the girl; however, she was already a psionic to begin with. By going through the mutation process it increased her powers tenfold, turning her into an Omega Psychic and causing several physical mutations and disabilities. She was now colorblind, her irises changed drastically, and she became deathly allergic to several different kinds of drugs. Due to this, she has developed a paralyzing fear of doctors and hospitals and now only a few can safely treat her.

A secret government that mutates children into super-warriors by using... turtles. How convenient to create as many fucktoys for the canon turtles or MarySues all over the world as needed. If it had been for the reptile advantages... why not a snake? A Komodo dragon? Something... oh, I don't know... *dangerous*?
And Omega Psychic sounds like something directly from a Scientology flyer. Stop bullshitting the poor admins and mods, who have to read through your shitload of crap! They're people too, you know?
Oh, of course, I forgot, because the turtles are more likely to feel a bond and possibly sexual interest in a fellow turtle than into another mutant creature...
If it weren't so fucking sad and clichéd, I'd laugh.


After recovering from her mutation, she was put into a school with other young recruits like herself and began her scholastic lessons as well as military and psionic training; and, due to her ‘disabilities’, soon became known as Greysight. Years went by, and she remained a loyal and powerful soldier, earning her the rank of Sergeant. She even found a mate whom she was to marry: He was a turtle by the name of Eli.
Although it was never proven, Miranda became convinced that Eli’s death on the front lines had been deliberate.

She believed that Eli knew something dangerous, and she became determined to find out what. A year of obsessive investigation brought her to the answer she was looking for, and it terrified her completely. Fearing that she may be caught with the knowledge, she attempted to flee the islands, but not before being blamed for the assassination of the small covert country’s president.

Now, she’s on the run, hiding from the very military that she had once devoted her life to.

Front lines? Another mutated uber-leet, speshul powaaaahz turtle mate for her?
So let me get that straight, there is a banana republic in the middle of bumfuck nowhere that has an army of freaks fighting a war against... uh, dunno.
And it is in the Pacific... monster island?
And how in the blue hell is it possible that NO OTHER NATION ever takes notice?
And how does Mary"Teehee, I have a japanese middle name"Sue GTFO of an ISLAND?

I don't know.
I don't WANT to know.
I just want to lay down and die.

Against better knowledge (and probably only for the lulz) I took on the task to make a charsheet for this abomination.
Since I am not even touching this psychic bullshit, I left this part of the profile out, although it would be enough in itself to brand this Sue a Sue

So without further ado here we go:

Looks : 0
Strength : 5 (a turtle is logically stronger than a human, due to overdeveloped muscles due to the
additional weight of the shell)
Speed : 3
Intelligence : 5 (five, since she is so super-intelligent, mentioned in the profile from hell)
Pain resistance : 3
Endurance : 3
Socializing : 3
----------------------------------------
Total for attributes: 22 - 10 for looks = 0
12

Explanation: I did not want to bump up the points, therefore I assumed a general average. Exceptions have been explained.


Skills:

Military Science: 3 (no idea, what in the blue hell this might be, though)
Espionage: 3
basic mathematics: (you learn that in school, no need to spend points)
History of War: (see above)
Hand to Hand – Kung-Fu: 3 (no idea what hand-to-hand Kung Fu might be but I'll just go with it)
Wrestling: 3
Climbing: 3
Acrobatics: 3
Prowl (stealth): 3 (or so I think)
Swimming: (no points for that)
Pick locks, Pick pockets: 3 (that is, what "security" basically means)
Palming: 3 (whatever this might be, I have not the foggiest notion)
Basic Computer operation: (you don't need to spend points to turn a desktop on)
---------------------------------------------------------
Total points for skills: 24

Again, I only assumed an average grasp on these things to save points, although I assume that this is not what the maker of this profile had in mind. And I deducted things you don't need to spend points on. Trying to play it fair here.

Driving:
Automobile: free of charge
Motorcycle: 5 points
Airplane: 5 points
Surfing: isn't driving you moron! 3 points as a skill!
------------
Total for Locomotion: 13


Languages:
Spoken Mandarin and : 4
Russian: 4
fully literate in English: (native language, free of charge)
Spanish, and : 4
Japanese : 4
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Total for languages: 16

Even here I tried to save points. 4 points means that the char does speak the language *poorly*. Not fully literate. Not even *fluent* fercrissake!

Okay, let's see what we got:

Total for attributes: 22
Total points for skills: 24
Total for Locomotion: 13
Total for languages: 16
Total for flaws: -10
----------------------------
65

Please bear in mind, that I merely assumed *average* skills and attributes and *poor* language skills. I deducted ten points for the zero in looks and tilted everything i could in her favour. Doesn't work, even with the best will in the world. It is a MarySue and not even a MarySue that could survive a day in New York.
Why?
Because she excels in *nothing*. She can do this and that and that and that, but nothing *good*. Even with ten additional points and five points over the maximum she sucks.
Somebody please take care that this rabid fangirl never comes even close to this site.