Lesson two: How to *not* write your female OC!!!

You thought you're safe in a rpg?
Little do you know, young paladin...

For purely educational purposes, not to make fun of the writer (she went better by now and this should be appreciated)
I will put up some postings from another rpg here (not from this site).
Disclaimer, blahblah blah, no copyright infringement, blah, blah, blah.

To the copright infringement issue:
We all do it.
We are using characters and settings that are not our intellectual property and therefore we are all guilty as charged.
The snare is, that we are *not* guilty - because we ain't making any money out of it.
But the moment any butthurt writer/artist/whatever bawwwws about another one *using* his or her stuff, e.g. a picture and claims "copyright"... there you have your copyright infringement.
Because it is not *you* who thought up and first painted/wrote/whatevered the char.

Claiming it as yours *is* copyright infringement!

Got this?
Good.

Now onward to the MarySue stuff, shamelessly stolen from another, meanwhile dead rpg, for constructive criticism and discussion... and I could do this with Anne friggin Rices books and she could do jack shit about it.
Quotes are in cyan, by the way.

The introduction post is not really bad, describing how a young woman wakes up in her apartment and readies herself for the day. It is pointed out that she usually sleeps until "the day wanes" I suppose, this means dusk. Although we did not need to know that her favourite shower gel is strawberry scented, but we all can live with this post I think. The posts ends with her going into a street diner where the rpg is taking place.

Next post has her sitting in said diner, reading a newspaper... and here we get the first glimpse at her "tragic past(TM)", her family killed and mutilated - parents and a brother - and she, a little girl spends her nights hunting the "perputrated", whatever this might be. Am I the only one getting a little wary now, when she mentions that she routinely is in PD territory?
Or is it the mentioning of "neatly booted feet"?
What in the blue hell are "neatly booted feet"?

2)
Sophie had barely noticed any of the other diners just read the borrowed newspaper, her phone remaining stubbornly silent. She sighed turning a page and gasped loudly leaning to read a mutilation story - much like how her own folks had been found months ago- yet nobody had found the perputrated... this was why Sophie spent most of her nights out of the safety of her own bed... looking for the creep who had killed her parents and brother. Sohie growled to herself in frutration, it was in Purple Dragon territory... but she'd been in and out before with no one of the gang being any the wiser as far as she knew... she still had yet to realise her bag was on the floor at her neatly booted feet. She chewed thoughtfully on the pencil as she tried to recall the exact location of the alley where the body was dumped...

She sat back to think, making notes in her little note book...

The next one is bad.
Like, really, *really* bad!
She does not only wants to "find the monster who killed her folks" instead of letting other, perhaps more qualified people like the cops do the job, she - and I quote again - "hands smackdowns on lowly thugs and robs them".
Miss Batman/Superman/Green Lantern/Punisher bemoans in the same, incredibly long and difficult to read sentence that nobody is caring for her, baaaaaaaaaaaw!
And of course, there are again the "neatly booted feet".
The "little blond incident" is the main plot of the story, by the way.

3)
Sophie had watched the entire 'little blonde' and 'associated activity' play out from her place on the bar, youthful as she was, Sophie was not stupid and she knew exactly what had transpired... but she sighed as the blonde left and one of the other males diners followed looking angry... Sophie wished she coulde help - or that prehaps that she'd had somebody whom cared for her like that and that wanted to help her find the monster whom killed her folks... though it was true when out doing her own variety of 'vigilantism' (in which she searches for answers) Sophie handed out smack downs on the lowly thugs but that wasn't the regular for her, more of a perk as (shameful as is was) she robbed these muggers and would be rapist, murderers just to support herself on a week to week basis, hence the need for a day job - she so did not want to lose the apartment, therefore she tried to avoid other vigilantes as much as possible ... she watched the guy who had gone after the blonde return and confident no one would notice her blue eyed gaze she watched him return to the table where a red haired woman and another guy sat.

Sophie let her gaze wonder over the fully covered one in curiousity... but after a moment she gave herself a little shake and turned back to her paper, her phone remained silent even though she must have sent her resume to every 'work wanted' listed in yesturdays and the day befores papers... she sighed and went back to picking details out of the story shuddering as she noted similarities between her own tragedy and this persons death... her small bag still lay on the floor at her neatly booted feet.

The next post gives us a small and well-deserved rest from "neatly booted feet", when the Sophie girl (who had never had a job in her life as we will learn later on) finally gets a job offer via cellphone and of course replies "smoothly and professionally". The only snare is here, that the whole post is ONE FREAKING RUN-ON SENTENCE!!!
She obviously had a side order of dots with her keyboard.

4)
Sophie all but fell off her chair when her phone actually RANG!!! She quickly picked up the 'X Files theme song' playing phone and flipped it open. "Hello Sophie Anne speaking." She greeted as smoothly and professionally as she possibly could... her stomache was a mass of fluttering butterflies... she finally noticed her little bag on the floor and so she leant down to pick it up and all it's spilled contents... looking for the stake that she normally kept in it (it had been a most treasured if joke gift from her father... both of them used to watch 'Buffy' together and since *that* night she'd always kept it on her person)... she found it under the table where the group was playing cards and bit her lip as she waited for a response... she would get it when she had finished her phone call....

Post five... one question: how do you "delicately clear your throat"?
Post six... you don't "wonder" over to tables, if anything you "walk" or "wander".And no, it's not a typo, it reoccurs regularly. And yes, honey, we start to notice you're perfect. You can tone it down again.
6)
Sophie hoped to catch their attention with a clearly spoken and polite "Um excuse me..." she waited for a response a small friendly smile on her face

After this she goes home, sure that she'll not be bothered. Of course, since she preys on thug, every bothering might
be an opportunity for Miss Jet Li. But when she manages to return home it gets bad. Not for thugs, not for her, for us.I call abuse of the word "neat" here. And yes, her body is that of a goddess, of course and she has *le gasp* concealed weapons stolen from thugs! Of course, only from those who tried to hurt her neat and lovely hourglass-shaped self...


After deciding not to worry about reading material that evening Sophie slowly walked up the street towards her apartment. She made it home with plenty of time to spare so set about gathering what she'd need for tonights venture. She changed out of that days neat and still fairly clean cloths and into loose a dark grey cloths, perfect for blending in on the streets and with the deep hood of her jumper her face was hiden from view, the hour glass shaped lovely curves of her hips and breasts hidden by the straight unflattering cloths - that and she concealed some weapons upon her person (most of which she had stolen from thugs whom had tried to hurt her)... she left her apartment and strolled into the streets of the night.

Next post... of course, her perfection shines as brightly as a laser pointer to the eye... perfect hair, perfect behaviour on a crimescene she - illegally - entered to help the cops...? Okay, whatever. But obviously a day completely changes her usual pattern of waking and sleeping... in contradiction to her first post she now "usually" wakes up in the early morning.


It had taken more than an hour to reach her desired destinantion on the bus... she climbed off waving to the driver whom had chatted incessantly but also pleasantly for the whole journey. Chuckling softly as he waved back Sophie quickly put the hood of her dark grey loose sweater back over her head of dark silky curls the colour of chocolate and set off for crime scene she had read about earlier in the paper... she poked carefully around making little to no noise to draw attention to herself and being extra careful not to touch nothing so the crime would not be traced back to her in anyway...

She left disheartened that she would not be finding anything the police hadn} already found and made it home to her apartment safe and sound... and set about preparing herself for bed... upset she'd made no progress in helping the same cops her father used to work with find and bring justice to her families murderer... she sighed sadly and after a short hot shower and a single sandwich for dinner she went to bed alarm set for early morn as usual.


After a few filler posts, Sophie prepares for a job interview.
Shall we count the "small"s, "smile"s and "soft"s?
Don't assume your readers have Alzheimers disease WE GOT IT THE FIRST TIME ALREADY!!
Dammit!

Sophie awoke slowly smiling a small smile, sure she was nervous but excited as well.

After a long hot shower Sophie -wrapped in a soft bathrobe made her way into the spare bedroom. It had once been her little brothers and although all his metellica posters were up and his pc left untouched but cleaned the room now held an extra wardrobe and other stuff Sophie had packed away. She went through the wardrobe slowly glad her mother and herself were the same sized, although Sophie's bust was a size or two larger... chewing her lip thoughtfully Sophie finally choose a pair of navy blue work slacks and the small elegant jacket that went with them, a soft off white blouse to go underneath this and a pair of her mothers flat soled soft leather boots which were immaculate as all the cloths. Sophie smiled and held the cloths tight back to the master bedroom. Here she choose her undergarments and slid these one. There was still plenty of time til the appointment so Sophie booked a cab for the time she needed and turned on the radio. She would simply pass time here for the moment til it was time to get ready.

It's not getting better. Not at all. Abuse of the word "neat", and perfect eyes and perfect clothes and perfect manners and perfect grace and PERFECT FUCKING EVERYTHING! If that isn't a *perfect* MarySue, who is?


By the time her pre-ordered taxi had arrived, it was a neatly dressed young woman whom climbed in carefully, and though the driver made polite conversation with the brunette haired beauty sitting in his passenger seat - and Sophie did glance at him every now and then with those enormous jewel like blue eyes - but he got little to no response from the nervous girl... she arrived at the place with ten minutes to spare and shaking off the bout of nerves for just this moment she walked gracefully into the building...

Clearing her throat sharply to catch the attention of a lady whom - as a staff member - Sophie hoped would direct her this 'Kevin'.

"Ma'am excuse me but I have an appointment with Kevin, was just wondering if you could point me in the right direction."

Next post: perfect eyes, perfect manners, perfect grace, yadda, yadda, yadda. And abuse of every adjective under the sun. I would like to point out the adjective "thin" in this regard. Unfortunately, it will return regularly froim now on. Obviously the author thinks, like many young gullible girls as well, that "thin" is sexy.

You fail.
Thin is *not* sexy. Slender might be sexy, but thin is either physically ill or anorexic.
If you want to promote anorexia you are a moron and should be flamed, trolled and kicked into oblivion.
KNOCK IT OFF, DAMMIT!!

Sophie made a point to clearly and politely thank the other woman and then thin shoulders straight she walked gracefully over to the chair and desk and paused before seating her enormous blue eyes searching his for a moment looking for signs of what might give away any thoughts of foul play... however finding nothing in his bored gaze Sophie finally gave him a small shy smile and sat down slowly.

Next post: thin.
Repeat after me: THIN IS NOT SEXY!
And elegant and perfect and soft. Soft is another victim of adjective abuse with this author.

Sophie had answered him as straight forwardly as possible, of couse she'd had no actual work, just work experience through her school... she found the last of nervousness she had been feeling vanish completely when he finally got around to the job... it was nothing she had expected and she chewed her bottom lip subconciously for a moment as she thought, it was not like it would be hard, Sophie was generally very friendly, and most found it easy to get along with her... well at least they had before her family had been murdered - she figured it would not be too hard to be the happy and carefree Sophie once more to do this job...

"I find the terms more than agreeble." She finally spoke after a short silence in which she clearly thought over his offer carefully... she was relaxing now she knew what he wanted, she was friendlier in her speech and rested more comfortably in the chair soft curls reting on those thin shoulders and around her elegant neck... she waited for him to continue now he had her agreement to the terms.

Next post: softly.

Next post: a plethora of adjective abuse to emphasize how perfect she is... it is getting damn monotonous.

After sighing a little at the obvious fact her joke sailed straight over the guys exspensively done hair Sophie stood swiftly and followed him silently and gracefully to the door, Sophie had then taken his hand and unintentionally shook it briefly but with surprising strength for a girl her size. She nodded. "I bet you do. Good day to you Kevin." She turned and strode out, not needing somebody to escort her this time, she recalled the way out perfectly... she unhurriedly left and made her way up the street to the bus stop.

Hoping any information she managed to gather would not be used to hurt Fae, Sophie caught the bus home... it was once again time to prepare for night... and hopefully find something to make the police reopen her parents case and find the killer... this time Sophie would return to previous other sites she'd been to, just on the off chance she had missed something.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we are entering the realm of the impossible.
"Thin", "lovely", "haunted", whatever, the wisp of a fucking Sue goes out for Mortal Combat armed with a double headed war axe, because she is so good in "tai kwon doe" that her teacher taught her weapon lore.
Let's assume, for the sake of our sanity, that she *means* Tae Kwon Do.
Tae Kwon Do (translation:The way of the foot and the fist) is a weaponless martial art from Korea, closely related to Karate (the art of the empty hand).
And that means NO FUCKING WEAPON LORE!!!
If you have to vandalize a martial arts style, please choose one that *has* weapon lore, wikipedia is your friend!
I sooo wish I were making this up, but no such luck.


Sophie headed out after being home and changing into some very ripped and faded navy jeans and a jean jacket over a long sleeve shirt... the jacket hid her double headed war axe and a tear in her jeans allowed easy access to the long dagger she kept in her boots lining...she was adept in the use of weapons... she had loved her tai kwon doe classes and as she became so good the dear old teacher had taught her how to incorporate weapons into the training... the weapons themselves Sophie had stolen over the last few months just as she had cash...

Sophie made it home once more without attracting any attention as normal - but aso not finding anything new about her folks deaths... she was going to have to try looking elsewhere - and upon closing the door to her apartment she decided to try the diner tomorrow sometime. With this plan in mind young haunted and lovely Sophie went for a shower and then ensuring her dark curls wherejust damp the young woman crawls into her bed to catch some 'z's.

Another MS trait: even if she is the loveliest thing alive (as described in painstaking, repetitive, adjective-abusing detail) she of course has noooo idea about it. Suuuure...
Oh, and she reads Twilight, the painful choice of a depraved girl between bestiality and necrophilia.
This alone would demand a mandatory beating over the head with an Oxford dictionary.


Sophie again sat up with a gasp... another ridiculous heart stopping dream... Seeing it was still fairly earlier Sophie stretched and sighed...She gazed into the big vanity dresses mirror - she did not see her petitt yet toned lovely form or the enormous sapphire like eyes nor the silken curls the colour of rich dark chocolate nor her elegant neck - no Sophie just saw a skinny small woman with no family and barely a future... she contemplated once more the task she'd accepted... now she thought of it she should have been bold and asked Kevin what he intended for any info she gathered... she hated the thought of putting a friendlt girl like Fae in danger - any kind of danger - however Sophie decided to put aside the niggling feeling in her gut and go with it... afterall the guy was Fae's Uncle... She turned away from the huge mirror and left the room.
Sophie returned to the living room and walking to the dark wood bookshelves each stack to overflow with books of all genres, Sophie pulled out her mothers' favourite book Twilght from the shelf, made herself a hot chocolate and sat on the family sofa to read...

In the next post, she is "wondering" again. Like walking, not being astonished or thinking about something. *Her* kind of wondering.
She tries then to do her job - spying on a certain rich girl - but gets distracted by a newspaper joke of the day.
Duuuh... now wouldn't *you* hire her on the spot? I totally would... not.

Another couple of filling posts where she does exactly nothing, except of being pretty and perfect and neat and... you get it.
One of them terribly abusing the adjective "soft". None of them is safe...


Sophie had been ildy watching and broke into soft giggles as the totally covered dude fell off his chair she had noticed he had been sketching... she was tempted to go and help him up but Fae was already holding out her hand... so she sighed smiled softly and just continued to watch for now - all thoughts of eating chased from her mind for now as she watched the trio from her corner seat.

Having accomplished exactly nothing, she goes home... gracefully and silently. Because, she is like *speshul* and just can't JUST GO HOME!
Then she has to stop and angst. Seriously.But why, since she is so perfect! Of course the "false friends(TM)" who blame her for her "tragic past"(TM)" and "abandon her (TM)" like written in another gazillion of bad MarySue fics...

Sophie walked ponderously up the street unafraid and slow as she thought over her small encounter with Fae and then sighed softly... she was gonna have to gather her and make more effort next time if she wanted to keep this job. She paused outside the bookshop again just reading the titles that were on display in the window... recalling the one time she'd had friends and a boyfriend...

She missed that sort of easy comradeship and nights spent at slumber parties, being completely girly... but of course since the brutal deaths of her folks and brother those whom had once called her 'best friend' and 'beautiful'... those she'd believed would be her support had drifted, avoided and somehow blamed her for the terrible event... she sighed and walked on, pausing to look in other shop windows. Upon reaching her apartments' building, Sophie wandered over and sat on the lid of the dumpster in the narrow alley between the two buildings not in no hurry to go inside just yet and lost in her own thoughts anyhow...

In case it wasn't mentioned before... her voice, of course is perfect, too. Steady, clear, sweet, melodious... you name it.
And she has a "tragic past(TM)". Just in case you forgot.
And she practises "Tai Kwon Doe", *NOT* Tae Kwon Do! She's too "speshul" for this everyday stuff.
And of course the only place to practise is on a roof. Everybody does! And don't you dare to think otherwise.

Sophie once more found herself waking because of some stupid dream and sighing as she looked at the clock... figuring 'Kevin' would be asleep and that she get the voice mail option Sophie shook the sleepiness from her body and voice and just used her call log to dail the number - her brain must have worked on what she would reveal of what she'd over heard at the diner.... because as aweful as she felt her voice was steady and clear... yep voice mail...

Sophie did not bother with pleasanries as she had the other day her sweet melodious voice was easily recognisable... she got straight to the point, she spoke without haste about Fae's new hang out - the diner - and the other womans three companions... she left out the names on purpose... she also mentioned briefly that Fae may be entertaining the idea of moving out of home in the future... that the idea came from one of her friends at the diner.... Sophie then wished her employer an good very early morning and hung up, really she could not see the value in any of that info but prehaps 'Kevin' could.

Sophie put her phone down and glanced once more at the time... it was still very very early, yet Sophie knew sleep would not come to her just yet so she dressed casually in her baggiet pair of jeans, her brothers light blue long sleeve shirt with the logo 'I'm with stupid' and an arrow pointing left and her light denim jacket and headed out onto her fire escape and up onto the buildings roof... there was ample room up here for her to do some gentle warm up exercises before going through the Tai Kwon Doe moves and combos she already knew but liked to keep sharp in her mind... and try some moves she had yet to become proficient in... She longed to be back at the down town Dojo doing this and progressing though her training some more but for now this would have to suffice...

Then she is "wondering" around again, this time accompanied by her mind... and wondering, in the correct sense of the word, why she is lonely. ProTip: Because you never talk to anybody, MarySue?
She does not even want to talk to people who *pay* her to do so, preferring to watch South Park.
Don't ask, I have no idea either. Please notice, though, that she cleans her throat "softly".

Sophie looked at her phone, she turned down the volumn on the tv... she had been giggling madly at an South Park episode... clearing her throat softly Sophie looked at the number... "Ah good day Kevin sir," she greeted keeping her voice light and so well spoke as always... masking the nervousness she felt... and the dissappointment it was not an investigator...

Said Kevin is seriously not happy about his lazy employee and *dares* to say so. WTF?? How can he criticize her? has the man no decency? She's the star of the show, after all and he is stupid anyway! And he makes her sad by reminding her of her "tragic past(TM)" and her "false friends(TM)" and her general MarySue clichés. Aww, how mean!
Read so here:

Sophie cringed away from the phone... crist Fae didn't even like her very much how on earth was she supposed to know this?... Sophie let him finish his tyraid her voice was cold as she answered him. "You know not everybody spills secrets to a stranger five minutes after meeting them unless the stranger has a gun... Kevin sir if you expect me to do my job effectively then you must allow my at least some time to become more than a stranger to your niece... "

She paused here to let him speak.. Damn fool with more money than sense... did he not realise useful information would only come when she and Fae were 'friends'. Sophie cringed again that word burnt like someone had stabbed her through with a red hot poker.

But he dares to talk back? How dare he? What does the fact that he *pays*her has to say anyway, she's a free spirit, a special snowflake...and of course in spite of being "thin", "lovely", "small" and whatnot, she decides to be the bigger man and brushes him off.
Read so here:

Sophie sighed softly to herself and rolled her eyes but decided to concede to him. "Yes Kevin sir," while it was clear by her voice she would not take offense to his last comment she nevertheless felt prehaps it was better they cut this conversation short before... this was no time to be petulant to somebody currently paying her. "Well if that's is all sir..." she hints that he should hang up now...

She then decides to buy a bike - in the shadier area of the town of course, because she's Miss Punisher and can handle herself in any situation - at least she says so, except when she's bitching about that "nobody looooves her!!1!!!11ONEELEVEN!!11!".
You doubt me?
Here.
Please notice her dress style, too. She's basically screaming to get her ass kicked.

After deciding on a few ads to try out... most in the shadier areas of the city - if that was at all possible - though this did not bother her much, she could more than handle herself in most situations.

She went to her bedroom to dress in dark bootcut tight jeans with her favorite boots making sure the long dagger in them was hidden, a black tank top went on next followed by her usual and favourite denim jacket.

She turned everything off in her apartment and made sure she had her keys, her purse and with that what was left of the cash she had taken from thugs whom thought it amusing to try and hurt her - well she supposed it had been amusing... for her.

Of course, the mean world does not give her a bike for free and when somebody mistakes her for a bhooker - due to her skanky outfit - she breaks a much larger and stronger mans nose and walks away unhindered. Suuuuuuuuure, MarySue, suuuuuuuuuure...

Sophie made a bad start finding something suitable to ride... oh she made it onto the bus just fine and even though it was packed a boy prehaps her age offered her his seat... but the smelly rank place she ended up at blew her hopes of finding a working machine. The dirty balding man - maybe in this mid thirties - had talked and talked about the bike, it was clean looking... but When Sophie demanded he start it...

Having left that one offer Sophie caught a bus elsewhere to try again... Only to have this arrogant little burke offer to knock a 'fair bit' off his going price in retrun for 'services'... Sophie's response to that was to break the guys nose with a swift punch and leave the guy cursing her as she hurried to catch yet another bus... god she hoped to find decent motorbike with a decent deal sometime today...

Somewhat she gets flunked unceremoniously from the story by a "mystical, over-powerful enemy(TM)"... who merely overpowers MarySue by force of numbers due to her mad "Tea Kwon Doe" skills. Or whatever.
And the collective TMNT-fandom breathed a deep sigh of relief.


Sophie was not sure of the time when she was taken... rudely awoken from her sleep by the sound of her fire escape window smashing... her assailants were not to cleverly disguised... nor did they have any skills, she had clean knocked out two with well placed 'roundhouse' and 'hunting hawk' kicks before they overwhelmed her by sheer number... in the end five had to hold her down and bind her so she could do nothing and gag her thoroughly... she was slung - still rying valiantly to fight - over a broad shoulder and her phone dropped to the floor amid the rest of the mess they had made in the struggle... Sophie was thrown unceremoniously into a large blue van and as she struggled to sit up, prehaps put up some more fight - she received a sharp and hard blow to her head.

The small young woman slumped into unconciousness as the nondescript blue van casually slipped away into the night... leaving no one behind whom might care Sophie had gone missing... just an unprotected and empty messy apartment.